The Little Black Dress

As the year end holidays zoom toward us, seemingly picking up speed each day, I’m noticing a rapid increase in the number of features on fashion in the print media. One of my favorite magazines ran a piece titled: The Little Black Dress, and the article promised that a Little Black Dress “can take me anywhere.” (That would be after a quick detour to the fat farm.)

OK, I’m ready to go.

Take me back to 1974 when I was a much thinner version of myself. That was the year I married my handsome, dashing Marine Corps officer, Jim. That was also the year my little white wedding dress had to be downsized twice during the month before my wedding. I’d lost that much weight from nerves and smoking too many cigarettes while getting ready for the big day. I haven’t smoked in 20 years, and there’s no way I’d start that again. Nor would I consider a divorce in order to duplicate the nervous hysteria of another wedding—just to drop some tonnage. It would be nice if there really were a faster, easier, safe way to be slim again other than eating less and exercising more.

What I’m proposing is a new fashion essential, or staple, if you prefer—the Big Black Dress. Why not? If it feels better, call it the basic black dress, or just BBD for short. My idea of the BBD is guaranteed to camouflage any and all flaws.

So what would the BBD look like?

I don’t actually have a specific design in mind just yet, but taking it from the top, it would have to hide a wattle, batwings, a midriff bulge, flabby thighs, and knobby knees. I swear it’s only 20 pounds that need to be disguised, but unfortunately many of them have become permanently displaced. Surely there must be something in basic black out there for us leading edge baby boomers that doesn’t look like a choir robe with a turtleneck collar. Santa? Are you reading this?

Meanwhile, I’ll keep trying to eat a little less and exercise a little more for another six weeks. Yeah, right. Like that’s going to work in November and December.

Donna